If they were UMC pastors…

I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if the current crop of Presidential candidates were serving as pastors of United Methodist congregations.  See what you think.  (By the way, because of pastor retirement age, some of my scenarios would not fit some of the older candidates, but we’ll overlook that technicality to keep things interesting!)  Here they are in alphabetical order!

PASTOR CARSON – Everybody thinks he is a “great pastor,” and he is renowned for his comforting hospital visits.  In fact not only will he pray for you before surgery, he might even hang around to perform the surgery!  His funerals are always amazing, with a very comforting presence.  Unfortunately, his preaching on Sunday leaves something to be desired.  Put it this way…he’s not the only one in the room with his eyes closed.  Nobody will openly admit to disliking Pastor Carson.  He’s just so nice.  But there was a recent rumor going around recently that he might be retiring.  It turned out to be just a rumor. Still, we have Pastor Carson pegged for staying 3 years at most.

PASTOR CLINTON – She combines a moderate level of strength in all areas, with no obvious weaknesses.  Everyone says she is “solid.”  She is a “loyal trooper” in all things denominational, and extremely involved in district and conference matters.  She is never a showperson in the pulpit, but her preaching is always…well…solid!  It was an adjustment for many to receive their first female senior pastor, but in time, most people seemed to accept her.  The women’s group was pleasantly surprised when her spouse took such a surprisingly keen interest in helping out with the women’s luncheons.  Some church folks do really dislike her, and they always have the Book of Discipline in hand to try to trip her up on something she has done. Several families seem to be boycotting, so attendance has dropped a bit, but finances have never been better, as she seems to always know how to keep the big donors happy.  There are also occasional rumors about incidents at her last church.  Nevertheless, she will serve a “solid” 4 years before becoming a district superintendent.

PASTOR CRUZ – Attendance shot up when he first arrived.  “Finally we have a real Bible preacher!”  Attendance at the pastor’s Bible study also continues to be strong!  But his sermons sometimes run a little long – well a “lot long” – he just keeps going and going and going.  Once he even took to reading a Veggie Tales children’s book from the pulpit. People seem to either really love him or really dislike him.  He preaches complex messages without notes, and seems to know the Bible inside and out, though not everyone agrees with his interpretations.  Surprisingly for a United Methodist, Pastor Cruz doesn’t seem to have a lot of interest in district and conference matters, and he doesn’t get along all that well with his colleagues.  He probably needs to move soon, but we aren’t sure where he could go.  He will probably stay 3, 4, or maybe even 5 years!

PASTOR KASICH – The word is “steady.”  He is a popular, steady presence, and nobody has a bad word to say about him.  Actually, he doesn’t have a bad word to say about other people either.  Did I mention that he is steady?  And he is always so positive…he is a good, inspiring preacher, who has a knack for making you feel better about yourself and the world.  Some do think he needs to be more hard-hitting.  But his staff members are incredibly loyal to him.  He does a great funeral, and grieving family members are always impressed.  Attendance is slightly down, but finances are strong.  The budget is balanced, and the church always pays 100% of its apportionments.  Pastor Kasich will have a good 6 years.

PASTOR RUBIO – The church was so excited to get such a young pastor, and attendance really jumped in the first year.  There was a lot of buzz around town about this new pastor! But there has been some grumbling lately, as he seems to be out of the pulpit way too often. His preaching is never ever dull, but sometimes he does seem to repeat the same Bible verses over and over.  In addition, it seems like every time he attends a seminar, he comes back with a whole new approach, leaving leaders a bit confused.  His ambition is undeniable, and the consensus is that Pastor Rubio will stay only 4 years, because he already has his eye on a bigger church.

PASTOR SANDERS – The church was, of course, surprised to receive their first pastor who had been raised Jewish, and it was also an adjustment since all of his previous experience had been as pastor of an independent congregation.  His preaching is strong and energetic, but not always well received.  He seems to do better with speaking out on controversial issues, than with being a comforting pastoral presence.  It seems that the associate pastor now does all of the hospital visits and funerals. However, the young couples clearly love the way that Pastor Sanders does weddings. Attendance levels have slipped quite a bit.  The finances could be better, but thankfully there are a lot of small contributions from new young members. The old-timers aren’t always impressed, though, and he may wind up staying only 2 years before moving on.

PASTOR TRUMP – He is a senior pastor who has his finger in everything – nothing escapes his attention.  Some long time families have left, and some committee chairs have resigned, but attendance has never been better.  There are some staff issues.  The associate pastor has already requested a move, and the youth director is on mental health leave.  In fact, all of the staff quickly learned not to threaten to resign where Pastor Trump can hear it.  Still the majority of the members are impressed that he seems to be building a larger church instead of dreaming about moving to another church.  He finally motivated the Trustees to tear down the old educational building (even though it was dedicated as a memorial) and funds are being quickly raised for a spectacular state-of-the-art building addition. Pastor Trump does have an annoying habit of criticizing the other pastors and churches in town.  Even his supporters realize he can be controversial, but after having three mild-mannered pastors in a row, they say, “At least you know where he stands!”  He may be in line for a 10 year pastorate, or maybe even longer.

Finally, we do need to give a shout out to a pastor who recently took a surprise early retirement – PASTOR BUSH.  He was always solid, but since both his father and his older brother were bishops, many were surprised that he didn’t match their rise to the top. Although in many ways they are quite different, Pastor Bush and Pastor Clinton share many common traits, in terms of being a “solid presence” and denominationally loyal. Some were beginning to criticize his sermons for being “low energy,” and he really seemed to be aggravated at the growth of Pastor Trump’s congregation, perhaps part of the reason for his early retirement.  Please note that even in his retirement, Pastor Bush is still available to do stewardship campaigns.